College Essay- Voice

 University of Arizona

Have you ever struggled mightily for something and failed? How did you respond?

          Even though people say the words "past is past," I can vividly remember all the negative things said to me growing up. Somehow those words stayed with me and has affected me in great measures. "Why can't you be smarter, how come you're not pretty or skinny like your cousins, why can't you do anything right," were constantly repeated to me whenever my relatives would see me. There was a point where I broke down and cried out all my anger and sadness that I was holding in. I told myself that I had to prove those who hurt me wrong, and fix all of the flaws that I had.

        Everyone wants to be accepted for who they are, but I felt that I needed to change for others to be satisfied.  I became what no other person would want to feel, uncomfortable in my own skin. Meaning that I would always be paranoid when ever people looked at me, thinking that they were judging the way I looked. I've been told so many times to not let anything bother me, but I felt as if those things about me were true. I didn't feel like going out with family or friends, even though they invited me to do the things that I loved to do. Sure, I was able to do the weirdest things without caring what others thought, but that all stopped.

         I began to do what people who knew me never expected of me. Of course teachers expect you to do what is told of you, but I went ahead and did more. After doing my normal assignments, I did extra work just so that I would understand the material more clearly. Even though I would pass a test, I would study more and retake the same test to see if I could get a higher score. Every time I would get a good grade I went home to tell my parents, just so that they didn't feel I was a disappointment. Instead of watching cartoons or drama shows, I watched informational shows, or more of educational channels. I gained knowledge and was shock of how many things I didn't before.

        Not only did I try to become smarter, I also tried to change everything on the outside. I bought clothes that I didn't feel comfortable in, but I just cared about what everyone else was wearing. I cut my hair, and even put weird things on my face. I did all sorts of things to make myself look different. Aside from trying to look different, I tried to not get anyone upset with me. I did what I was asked to do, answered politely instead the normal "What do you want?!" and tried to fix what I could not do right before.

      After trying my best to fix what others thought wrong of me, I went back out to see what they thought of the "new" me. I showed them my report card, wore a new outfit, and helped out with what they needed help with. Waiting for a response, someone finally says something. With a happy look on my face, it turned into the saddest. "So, you're still not like your cousins and how come you are not helping you are so lazy! Everyone else is doing something but you!" I looked at the people who they were comparing to and saw that they were doing absolutely nothing helpful but just sitting down watching television with their trash on the ground.

       I turned around and walked away, I felt a tear trickle down my face because I knew that I was a disappointment. For the next few days I locked myself in my room, knocked everything down in anger and could not even eat. After letting all my feelings out, I had a session with someone who accepted me for who I was. We talked about what had been going, and had given me advice that I will never forget. "Skylar, always know that people will judge you for the things you do, but it is your decision of whether to let it get to you or not care at all. But know that those who hurt you have been through the same situation as you."

        Hearing words like that helped me to realize, that it didn’t matter what I wore, what things I know, how to do things right or be a perfectionist, all that matters is what I thought of myself. I went back to the person who everyone noticed flaws in, I went back to the real me. So, whenever someone would say something critical about me I would shrug my shoulders with an “I don’t care” look on my face. Today I may be shy, but there is an outgoing side of me. I can go out and do weird things again and also do the things that I love to do.